I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
