She announced her abortion via fbk
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
