from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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