Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
