Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
