Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
