You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
