Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
