Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
