This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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