Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
