The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
