dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
