glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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