I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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