My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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