i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
