Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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