She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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