i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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