I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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