also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
