For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
