I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
