I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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