I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
