I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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