I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
