So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
