I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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