where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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