it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
