not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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