If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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