Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Pants are for mortals
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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