I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
