Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
