I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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