Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
