Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
