So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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