When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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