did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have tasted many bathrooms
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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