Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
