Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is my gift to your gina
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
