nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
