checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
