Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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