My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
