My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
