Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
